Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument with your partner, only to realize that you are fumbling over your words, struggling to articulate your thoughts clearly or completely drawing a blank? This experience can be frustrating, as it hinders our emotional expression and impairs healthy communication and conflict resolution.
In moments of conflict, our ability to communicate is often affected by “speech disfluencies,” referring to interruptions or disruptions in the natural flow and rhythm of one’s speech. These interruptions can take various forms, including hesitations, repetitions, prolongations, interjections or “filler words.”
Here are two reasons why speech disfluencies occur during relationship conflicts and how to communicate with your partner more effectively in challenging moments.
1. Your Emotions Take The Wheel
A 2023 study suggested that speech disfluencies occur during emotionally intense events due to a phenomenon known as emotion-triggered impulsivity—the tendency to act impulsively when experiencing heightened emotions, whether positive or negative.
The researchers suggest that because of emotion-triggered impulsivity, when an individual is emotionally charged, they tend to fumble over their words, backtrack and correct themselves more frequently.
Furthermore, research shows that when an individual perceives an emotional threat—in this case, a fight that could end their relationship or lead to feelings of abandonment and rejection—their “survival responses” kick in, creating a state of high emotional and physiological arousal, accompanied by symptoms such as an increase in one’s heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate.
In such a state, an individual may exhibit a “fight” response and lash out in unhelpful ways, a “flight” response and avoid the argument entirely, a “freeze” response where they are unable to respond or become stuck in a particular loop of thinking or a “fawn” response where they may try to appease their partner rather than sincerely try to resolve the conflict.
These responses can impede their ability to think clearly and be intentional with their communication, as they become solely concerned with protecting themselves from the fallout.
2. Your Stress Response Affects Your Memory
A 2014 study found that stress increases the levels of cortisol in your body, a hormone that helps you stay alert in a challenging situation. A passionate argument can trigger this stress, and researchers found that prolonged exposure to elevated cortisol levels was associated with the deterioration of synapses in the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain closely linked to short-term memory.
When memory functioning is affected in this manner, it can derail your train of thought and cause speech disfluencies in the moment. Even if you knew what you wanted to say, your rising stress level could make you forget—a phenomenon all of us have experienced.
Further, research shows that even without stress being a factor, having a lower capacity of working memory (the cognitive system which allows you to temporarily hold information) contributes to such disfluencies. So, when emotions escalate rapidly or memory falters, communication breakdowns occur, manifesting as speech disfluencies.
Here are some strategies to help maintain a healthy and productive dialogue with your partner:
- Take a time-out. When you notice that your emotions are starting to escalate, a short break can allow both partners to cool off and return to the conversation with a clearer mindset. Take a moment to ground yourself. For instance, deep breaths can help calm your nervous system and reduce emotional intensity. Mindfulness techniques such as meditation can help you stay more present. Movement is another way to regulate your emotions, so taking a walk, dancing or any other form of exercise you enjoy can be helpful. To stay mindful in a conflict, pause for a few seconds to gather your thoughts before responding to your partner. Such time-outs can help you express your feelings constructively.
- Practice effective communication skills. Engage in “active listening” by paying attention to your partner’s words and their body language. Research shows that anger reduces one’s perspective-taking abilities. Make an effort to understand your partner’s perspective and validate their feelings, even if you disagree. Doing so can lead to greater empathy and less defensiveness. Effective communication also includes using nonverbal cues. Maintain a calm and respectful tone and express your love and appreciation for your partner, even during disagreements. Reinforcing your bond through gentle touches or maintaining eye contact can convey understanding and support when words fail.
- Adopt an “us versus the problem” mindset. Focus on finding common ground with your partner, with the shared goal of solving the problem that affects your relationship, rather than blaming each other for what went wrong. Research shows that the key to change is often finding a shared belief or motive. Additionally, engage in self-reflection and notice whether there are any underlying emotions behind your anger, such as sadness or fear. This can help you see past your own emotions, take accountability for your role in the conflict and adopt a more balanced perspective. Reframe your thoughts using “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when…” or “I am upset because…” rather than “You” statements such as “You always do this.” This shifts the focus from blaming your partner to expressing your own emotions, promoting understanding and growth in your relationship.
Remember that effective emotional regulation and conflict resolution are skills that improve with practice. It is normal to have disagreements in any relationship, but how you handle them can make all the difference in your ability to communicate clearly and maintain a healthy and loving connection with your partner.
Conclusion
In the middle of a passionate argument, it’s not uncommon to struggle with your words. Recognizing that heightened emotions can lead to disrupted speech patterns can help you take a step back, practice grounding and choose your words more thoughtfully during emotional discussions. The next time you find yourself fumbling over your words in a disagreement, remember that it is just your brain’s way of responding to intense emotions, and practicing emotional regulation can transform the way you navigate the conflict thereafter.
Read the full article here
