It hit me like a ton of bricks one Saturday night how much burnout was affecting my life. I had just canceled on a friend’s wedding weekend to work instead. A voice in my head kept saying, “You can’t afford to take time off. “You have work to do!”
From the outside, it looked like I had it all, a good job, determination, a promising career path, but on the inside, I was frazzled, restless, and emotionally depleted.
Maybe you can relate to my story. Many high-achievers can. We’re the ones who are always “on,” juggling tasks, ticking off to-do lists, and pushing our limits to the edge. Deep down, we believe that resting is a luxury we can’t afford if we want to stay ahead in the race.
Author Ximena Vengoechea is no stranger to this mentality. But in her new book, Rest Easy: Discover Calm and Abundance through the Radical Power of Rest, she offers a powerful reframe: rest isn’t a sign of weakness, but rather a a strategic investment in your well-being. In this interview, Vengoechea shares more about how rest can become an antidote to burnout culture and an invitation to find joy, balance, and energy.
Melody Wilding: What inspired you to write this book? What made you interested in writing a book about rest specifically? Is there a personal story behind it?
Ximena Vengoechea: Several years ago, I was working three jobs—a 9-5 leading a team at a growing tech company, becoming a new mom and and not getting very much sleep in the process, and publishing my first book, Listen Like You Mean It. It was also the pandemic, and wildfire season in California, where I lived at the time. It was one collective upheaval after another, on top of the personal challenges I was going through.
At the time my strategy was to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I didn’t fully appreciate just how stressed and exhausted I was until after I left my job, and after my book launched. I ended up quitting my 9-5 in the hopes of recovering from burnout. I thought it would be temporary—that I would be back on the job market in no time. But it took me a long time to recover from my exhaustion. I was lucky that I could afford to step back from work, but it was also increasingly clear that quitting wasn’t a silver bullet. I needed to figure out how to recover, and the scary thing was realizing that I had no idea how to rest. I had been so focused on doing I’d completely lost touch with what it meant to simply be.
What started as a personal crisis became the seed of my new book, Rest Easy: Discover Calm and Abundance through the Radical Power of Rest. The book tells the story of why we don’t get enough rest, and how we can get more of it in a time when so many of us are feeling burned out. It is a practical and encouraging guide to getting the rest we need. It’s the book I needed four years ago. In a time when so many of us are crunched for time and peace of mind, I hope this book helps readers as much as it’s helped me.
Wilding: What are the different rest profiles you discovered in your research? Which are you?
Vengoechea: Our rest profile is a blend of our individual personality, identity, societal circumstances, and childhood experiences. There are five profiles that came up in my research: Intuitive Resters, Functional Resters, Gold-Star Resters, Anti-Resters, and Deprived Resters.
- Intuitive Resters are in tune with their minds and bodies when it comes to rest. They recognize that when irritability, distractibility, and fatigue set in, it’s best to slow down, not power through. They’ve learned to recognize the signs in real time that they need a break and honor that instead of ignoring it. They also have a good sense of what rest practice works best for them—whether that’s daily walks, nightly baths, or a regular yoga or meditation practice. They are diligent about incorporating these practices into their day-to-day lives as a way to reduce stress and keep burnout at bay.
- Functional Resters are less naturally in tune (or excited) with rest as a practice, but have learned how to rest out of necessity. These may be people who work overnight shifts or who have chronic illnesses that require taking rest seriously and developing rest practices that support their lifestyle. Because of their work and health, they do not have the luxury of regularly ignoring their need for rest—they need rest more than the average person in order to function without negative consequences. They might put family or fun before rest from time to time but do this sparingly because of the health consequences.
- Gold-star Resters only rest once they’ve cleared their to-do list for the day. They believe that rest must be earned; it is a “gold star” for all their hard work throughout the day. This group understands that rest is necessary, and may even notice when they need to rest, but tend to ignore both common sense and personal experience in favor of being productive and getting things done. This behavior is based on the belief that eventually, they’ll get through everything on their list, achieve everything they set out to, and be able to finally rest. But usually, this group is so tired by the time this moment comes that all they can do is “faux” rest—activities like watching TV, consuming alcohol, and scrolling on social media that may look restful but really aren’t. In the absence of getting real rest, Gold-Star Resters frequently suffer from chronic stress and burnout.
- Anti-Resters also regularly deprioritize rest. But unlike Gold-Star Resters, who believe that rest is valuable and necessary, and would, in theory, like to rest (once they’ve achieved all they’ve set out to do, that is), Anti-Resters are completely disinterested in rest. In fact, they see rest as a kind of moral failing or weakness, proof that they are lazy and unworthy. Many Anti-Resters prefer to “rise and grind.” When pressed to take a break, they may have a hard time knowing how to rest, and may confuse hobbies and passions with side hustles and earning potential.
- Deprived Resters would love to get a restful break in, but their circumstances prevent it. For example: parents of young children and gig workers must be “on” at all hours, making it hard to get the rest they need, no matter how much they want it. Hormonal changes, sleep apnea, mental health, and other illnesses can also impact this group’s ability to get the rest we need. Many of us will be Deprived Resters at some point in our lives, but some of us are in this state for longer than others.
Of the five profiles, you may feel you have elements of more than one — that’s normal. But one is probably a bit more “you” than others—that’s likely your rest profile.
Personally, I’m a Gold-Star Rester: for better or for worse, I’ve always been achievement-oriented, driven by getting things done and finishing that project, getting that next promotion, or publishing that next book. But my research on rest has helped me hone my intuitions on when I need a break much more than before. Although I’ll always have that Gold-Star voice in my head, I’ve become much more aware of when I’m about to cruise past my personal break point, and when I need to sit back and relax instead. Now I try to rest before getting to the end of my task list, since that’s usually too late!
Wilding: Throughout the book you share ways to take “micro-moments” of rest. Can you highlight three of your favorite practices?
Vengoechea: Micro-moments of rest are a really lovely and lightweight way to incorporate rest into your daily routine. Whether you’re new to prioritizing rest and need to set new rest habits or have a thoughtful rest ritual already in place and are looking for ways to complement or reinforce it, a micro moment of rest can help.
My favorite micro rest practices are doodling, microsleeping, and noticing something beautiful.
Doodling is mind-wandering on paper. It’s a chance for you to draw whatever comes to mind. It can be as fancy or inelegant as you please! It can be something you save and keep a dedicated sketchbook for, or something you scribble on the back of a cocktail napkin and throw out right away. Doodling is for everyone—it’s not about what you draw or how you draw it. It is about letting your hand and mind do as they please. The benefit is in creating the space for your mind to wander, unload, daydream, and surface ideas, feelings and emotions. Whatever comes up, you’ll likely feel calmer afterwards.
When you’re too tired to do anything but not in a position to take a nap, a microsleep is just the thing. All it takes is closing your eyes for a few minutes and taking deep breaths to find a moment of peace. We are not trying to fall asleep when we do this; we are simply giving our eyes a break from the stimuli of our surroundings. We can allow our thoughts to wander as they please, or focus on our breath to help us release any anxious or ruminating thoughts. After a minute, we can open our eyes feeling a little more clear-headed and relaxed than before.
When we’re feeling stressed, anxious, or exhausted, it can be easy to get stuck in a rut. I love the practice of pausing to notice beauty wherever we are. It can be a great way to pull us out of our experience and take us someplace more spiritually and emotionally restful. What does that mean in practice? It means noticing the way the sunlight falls across the floor of the coffee shop you go to every day to get your work emails done. It’s appreciating the silly giggle of a child at the library, or the perfectly soft and cozy fabric of your favorite sweater on a crisp fall day. It might be noticing the sound of the rain pouring outside your window, or taking a deep breath of that perfect post-rain scent of petrichor. It might be a bold and beautiful color you spot on a stranger’s outfit, or an act of kindness you witness on the bus home from work. Whatever it is, find it and hold onto it for a moment. Let it soak in. Notice what you are drawn to—what you find beautiful—and allow yourself to ease into it and enjoy it.
Wilding: Oftentimes we struggle to rest because our minds are constantly churning with worries. Any suggestions to quiet the chatter?
Vengoechea: Here are two ways to quiet the mental noise and find peace of mind:
First, practice distancing. Psychological distancing is the process of zooming out from our worry to see the bigger picture. When we broaden our perspective, we are able to see the situation more clearly and less emotionally. We tend to find more solutions to our problems and more acceptance of them. You can practice distancing by journaling, speaking to yourself with self-compassion (imagine you are speaking to a friend or loved one), and speaking to yourself by name or in the second person (“you”) rather than the first person (“I,” “me,” “my”). Research from psychologist Ethan Kross shows that using the second person helps us create distance, improve our reasoning and problem-solving, and more effectively manage our stress. (More in his book on the topic, Chatter.)
Second, look for color. If you find yourself ruminating, getting lost in your worry, and having difficulty focusing, try this simple but important trick from Meredith Arthur, mental health advocate and author of Get Out of My Head, to quiet your mind and find calm. Wherever you are, look around and name the colors you see. Use a vivid description if you can (for example: seafoam green, fire-engine red, etc.). Describing and naming colors in this way helps you get out of the mental loop and into the present. Each time that you name a color, you allow yourself to be transported back to the here and now, away from anxious thoughts. Use the color in your surroundings as a path to feeling grounded—away from chatter and overthinking and toward peace and ease.
Wilding: In the book you talk about making rest a ritual. What are some ways we can achieve this?
Vengoechea: Cultivating regular rest is a great way to protect ourselves from future burnout. Any rest practices that you can make a ritual of are going to help your cause. My favorite rest rituals are:
- Keeping a regular bedtime. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every night, including on weekends, helps us sleep better and fall asleep more easily. Aim for eight hours of sleep and keep your bedroom free of devices for best results.
- Reading fiction (or your genre of choice). Instead of grabbing your phone and mindlessly scrolling social media or sitting with your own anxious thoughts, allow yourself to be transported to another world and relax. Other substitutes for phone time might include jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, and word searches, which can have a meditative effect on us.
- Honoring your limits and saying no when you need to. Usually, getting the rest you need is less about finding the perfect scented candle and more about recognizing your own limits, and honoring them by setting boundaries. That might mean declining a social invitation or leaving happy hour after one drink instead of three. It might mean blocking your calendar from work meetings after 4pm, or refraining from checking or responding to work emails while on vacation or after hours. It might even mean saying no to a family visit that is feeling extra stressful, when what you really need is a more supportive, calming environment. Allow yourself to tune into what you need and set boundaries in support of that.
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