Jedidiah ‘Jedi’ Alex Koh is the Founder of Coaching Changes Lives, Asia’s leading Coaching Firm Specializing in Team Leadership Development.
“How was the coaching session?”
“Oh, the coach was very nice and kind to talk to.”
Often, when I hear such comments while conducting coaching supervision sessions with coaches, it raises a red flag and prompts me to dig deeper. I find myself asking the coach, “What did you think about the feedback given by your clients?” Surprisingly, the most common response I receive is that they felt good because their clients praised them for being nice. This recurring pattern has led me to pause and reflect on the true essence of coaching. Is coaching really about being nice and agreeable? Is it solely about creating a pleasant conversation? These questions challenge us to explore beyond surface-level interactions and consider the deeper purpose of coaching: facilitating growth, development and transformative change.
As coaches, it is crucial for us to shift our focus from seeking validation through superficial niceties to embracing the responsibility of challenging and supporting our clients in their journeys toward personal and professional growth. While being kind and empathetic are important qualities, they should not overshadow the essence of coaching, which is to guide individuals in exploring their thoughts, beliefs and behaviors and empowering them to uncover their own solutions. True coaching requires a delicate balance of nurturing and stretching, providing a safe space for reflection and exploration while also encouraging clients to confront their limitations and step outside their comfort zones. It is through this process that real transformation can occur, enabling individuals to unlock their full potential and achieve sustainable results. By elevating the purpose and impact of coaching, we can create a coaching culture that prioritizes growth and effectiveness over mere pleasantries.
Leadership coaching has become a prevalent practice in organizations, aimed at empowering individuals to unleash their full potential and drive meaningful change. Coaches who constantly strive to be kind, agreeable and accommodating may unwittingly inhibit the growth and development of their clients.
I call this the dark side of the obsequious effect.
The Danger Of Constant Niceties
In the pursuit of being liked and maintaining a positive rapport, coaches may unintentionally shy away from challenging their clients and addressing sensitive issues. This can result in a superficial coaching experience that fails to address underlying obstacles or promote meaningful change. Consider the case of a coach who consistently praises a leader’s decisions without critically examining their impact on the team’s performance. While the leader may appreciate the coach’s agreeable demeanor, this perpetuates a cycle of stagnation and missed opportunities for growth.
Relating To The True Impact Of Coaching
To truly make a difference as coaches, we must reconnect with the essence of coaching and prioritize the client’s growth and development over superficial niceties. It requires us to create a safe and trusting space where clients feel comfortable exploring their beliefs, assumptions and areas for improvement. By embracing the role of a challenger, we can encourage clients to confront their limitations and stretch beyond their comfort zones. This might involve asking thought-provoking questions, providing honest feedback or offering alternative perspectives that challenge the client’s assumptions. While it may seem uncomfortable at times, it is through this process that genuine transformation and sustainable results can be achieved.
Being Aware Of The Dark Side
Building awareness of the obsequious effect is the first step toward preventing its detrimental impact on coaching. Coaches need to critically reflect on their coaching practices and examine their motivations for seeking constant validation and agreement. It is essential to differentiate between being supportive and enabling, ensuring that clients are challenged to grow while still feeling supported in their journey. By fostering a coaching culture that values growth, accountability and authenticity, organizations can create an environment where coaches and clients alike recognize the importance of honest and impactful coaching conversations.
There are three keys to reversing the impact of the dark side of the obsequious effect:
Key 1: Authentic Alignment
To overcome the obsequious effect, coaches must prioritize authentic alignment with their clients. This entails establishing a foundation of trust and open communication that allows coaches to challenge clients when necessary. For instance, a coach might confront a leader who consistently avoids difficult conversations, urging them to recognize the importance of addressing conflicts to foster a healthier team dynamic.
Key 2: Purposeful Challenge
As mentioned, effective coaching requires coaches to be willing to challenge their clients’ assumptions, beliefs and behaviors. The obsequious effect arises when coaches fear upsetting their clients and avoid uncomfortable conversations. However, growth often necessitates stepping outside of comfort zones. Consider a scenario where a coach observes a leader consistently micromanaging their team, hindering their autonomy and stifling innovation. By purposefully challenging the leader’s management style and encouraging a more empowering approach, the coach can stimulate personal and professional development.
Key 3: Outcome Focus
To prevent the obsequious effect, coaches must maintain a clear focus on the desired coaching outcomes and intentions. This involves collaboratively establishing goals and benchmarks with their clients or stakeholders and regularly assessing progress. Let’s imagine a coach working with a leader who desires to improve their public speaking skills. Instead of simply providing constant reassurance, the coach takes a structured approach, offering targeted feedback and designing tailored exercises to build confidence and enhance presentation abilities.
While kindness and agreeability have their merits and place, leadership coaching effectiveness requires coaches to transcend the limitations of constant niceties. The dark side of the obsequious effect becomes apparent when coaches prioritize pleasing their clients over meaningful growth and development. By embracing authentic alignment, purposeful challenge and outcome-focused coaching, coaches can navigate this dangerous territory. By doing so, they create coaching experiences that empower leaders to overcome obstacles, drive change and achieve their full potential.
Let us remember that effective leadership coaching is not about always being nice but about aligning intentions and coaching outcomes for lasting success. In my coaching supervision practice, I would often tell coaches, “True growth and transformation in coaching come not from seeking constant praise and agreement but from embracing the discomfort of challenging conversations that inspire meaningful change.”
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