Dr. Loubna Noureddin is a speaker, leadership scholar, Master Certified Coach, civil war survivor, orphans advocate and CEO of Mind Market.
I was invited to speak about managing conflict to a large executive team. My standard process is to assess what is being said behind closed doors before I commit to a solution. Through team interviews, I found out that an extremely productive senior executive (whom we’ll call Sam) was the culprit. He was a screamer and failed drastically in the anger management department. The rest of the team, however, was in full harmony. To avoid a difficult confrontation with Sam, his manager chose a team session that the majority did not need.
How many times have you attended a training session that is intended for one person? Behind that choice is probably a conflict someone is desperately wanting to avoid. The reality is conflict happens to the best of us.
In my own career, I have encountered executives who destroy collaboration. They think they know it all. They are excellent at pointing out mistakes in others. They enjoy listening to themselves for hours and seem to only get excited about their own ideas.
I have survived two civil wars, and yet, when it came to one executive in particular, I struggled to avoid conflict. I was frustrated but scared that speaking up meant weeks of retaliation. It was too toxic to stay, and I refused to leave because, to me, leaving meant failing.
Recognizing Unproductive Conflict Vs. Productive Conflict
Whether we are in the middle of it, witnessing it or managing it, conflict is bound to surface. Many thrive in conflict—productive, amicable, healthy conflict. Yet, many of us face the kind that is toxic and unproductive.
Unproductive conflict is personal. It strips away your trust in the organization. It zaps team energy and leads to poor morale, lost productivity, absenteeism, incivility and isolation. A recent study (registration required) found that, on average, we spend about five hours per week dealing with unproductive conflict.
Good conflict, on the other hand, is healthy. It forces your team to go to new places. It fuels innovation and challenges your people to think outside the box. Productive conflict leads to continuous improvement, engagement and sustainable outcomes.
The problem starts when you ignore minor remarks and subtle aggressions. They become a breeding ground for toxic conflict, which can lead you to get stuck in a personal rut. The key to avoiding a build-up is psychological safety. When you feel comfortable expressing your opinion without fear of judgment, you are more likely to speak up about issues before they become major problems.
Conflict is also experienced differently based on your personality type. If you look at the DISC model, dominant styles favor direct and bold conversations. They pride themselves in their ability to be “straight shooters.” Less dominant styles, however, are more likely to favor harmony and consensus. They avoid conflict at all costs. Different styles may be labeled as bullies, too blunt or weak and passive. The truth is any workstyle can turn good conflict into bad.
This is why leaders need to lean into conflict. In fact, 98% of employees (registration required) cited managing conflict as a fundamental skill for leaders. They believe that managers impact workplace conflict.
For those of you who cannot stand the prospect of managing another conflict, here are three strategies to help you manage conflict better.
1. Acknowledge the issue.
It drives your team nuts when you ignore it. Prevent tension from escalating by validating that conflict exists. When you are reluctant to address it, your team may become resentful, aggressive or passive. Personal hijacks create silos, and rumor mills get out of control.
Lean into conflict by bringing it up with care. Say, “I sense some tension in this conversation. Can you help me understand what is going on?” Avoid making assumptions and choose to be curious. It may be uncomfortable, yet, when you inquire, you empower. Disagreements can be a pathway to healthy dialogue. Allow the team to be part of the solution.
2. Take a coaching approach.
When an employee brings up a workplace conflict, take a coaching approach. They know what works best for them. They might just need a trusted partner to help them get there.
Coaching requires humility and personal mastery. Ask questions like: What do you need in this situation? What needs to shift? How did you cope with a similar situation in the past? What resources do you need to get there? How can I support you?
By providing guidance and support, your employees feel validated and empowered to resolve conflict. Your goal is to coach, not tell.
3. Create rules of engagement.
Create and be upfront about your team’s rules of engagement. This can be a segway to mitigate hidden conflict and help your team acknowledge and accept differences as a strength. Different styles bring different approaches to the team, and while two personalities may not click, they can coexist. Make differences part of your daily dialogue.
I was invited to coach a highly disruptive team. Individually, they had so much potential, knowledge and compassion for results. As a group, they lacked trust, patience and commitment. By dedicating time and effort to understanding different workstyles, we redirected the team’s energy toward efficiency, effectiveness and higher outcomes. We co-created their rules of engagement and their team satisfaction improved from 27.3% to 93.5%. Healthy dialogue means acknowledging different strengths, motivators and stressors.
In conclusion, aim to empower by encouraging your team to lean into conflict, learn from it and use differences as a pathway to better outcomes.
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