By Antonio Neves, founder of Man Morning, a global community of accomplished growth-driven men who are committed to getting better.
Our evolutionary history reveals a powerful truth: Humans thrive in communities. We are not mere individuals operating in solitude; instead, our survival has depended on supportive relationships and partnerships within our tribe. Friends played an essential role in these early societies, aiding in resource acquisition, enforcing justice and offering protection. These shared pursuits fostered strong, enduring bonds among group members, and we’ve inherited this desire for deep friendships.
However, recent trends suggest that there’s a silent “friendship recession” underway, particularly among successful, ambitious men. With remote and hybrid work and professionals regularly changing jobs, men are challenged to form long-term bonds in the workplace. This can stunt career growth where promotions and raises can be greatly impacted by who is and who isn’t visible. Strong and powerful relationships are built in person, not over Zoom or Teams.
Let’s delve into the roots of this phenomenon and consider some actionable steps we can use to navigate this crisis.
The Quiet Erosion Of Friendship
In our increasingly urbanized world, forging new friendships can be challenging. Our lives lack the forced social mixing provided by educational institutions, and our network of friends starts to peak around our mid-20s. As we grow older, career and family responsibilities start to dominate, causing friendships to take a backseat.
This trend is exacerbated among high-achieving, educated men. Longer working hours and frequent relocations for job opportunities often mean less time to nurture existing friendships. Additionally, the increased time spent with children, a pattern common among contemporary parents, leaves little room for personal social interactions.
Recent data reflects these changing dynamics, with an alarming drop in the number and quality of friendships over the past decade. A 2021 survey found that 12% of Americans reported having no close friends. This can have consequences.
The Impact Of Isolation
While the nature of our societal needs has changed since our hunter-gatherer days, the importance of friendships for our well-being has not diminished. Friendships are critical for helping us build self-esteem, feel a sense of belonging and decrease stress in our life. Moreover, numerous studies associate social isolation and loneliness with a range of health issues, akin to the risks of obesity or smoking. This can lead to loneliness, depression and anxiety.
Crafting Genuine Connections: A Five-Step Guide
While there’s no universally applicable manual for making friends, I have found that there are a few steps that can help:
1. Redefine your friendship goals.
Don’t get overwhelmed by the idea that you need a vast network of close friends. In my work with the Man Morning community, I’ve found that even a small group of reliable friends can provide ample emotional support.
2. Invest time.
Building and maintaining friendships requires consistent interaction over time. This also includes the willingness to be inconvenienced. Proximity and frequency of contact have been identified as key factors in friendship formation. Aim for weekly interactions over the course of a few months to solidify a new friendship.
3. Seek regular group activities.
Having a regularly occurring event on the calendar is critical. Participate in organizations or activities that encourage social connections like men’s groups, hobby clubs, sports groups, faith communities or classes at the gym.
4. Be selective.
Be thoughtful in choosing your friends. Shared interests, education, age and career paths can act as catalysts in forming friendships. However, it’s also important to be willing to stretch yourself and step outside of your comfort zone and meet with other men from diverse backgrounds.
5. Open up gradually.
Share your experiences, thoughts and beliefs over time. This increases empathy and facilitates deeper bonding. Just remember to balance self-disclosure with attentive listening.
No one who has accomplished anything of significance did it alone. Neither should you. Overcoming the “friendship recession” is possible when you commit and take these steps.
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